


The 31 Days of Halloween Parody Drabbles Thinger, Year 3

by KriegsaffeNo9



Category: Little Witch Academia, She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Based on a Dream, Drabble, Drabble Collection, F/F, Gen, Halloween, Not sure it's a ship but it happens!, Parody, Slightly Naughty, Sucy and Constanze make out, Swift Wind is in here but I don't know if that's his character tag, Voyeurism, movie parody, self parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-11-01
Packaged: 2020-11-08 19:55:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 8,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20841128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KriegsaffeNo9/pseuds/KriegsaffeNo9
Summary: ...and this year I hope to actually hit the end of October successfully.  This time, it's a multi-fandom comedy-horror-shipping assault.  Bear two fronts of LWA and She-Ra and girls kissing and monster-fighting!1: Us; Dracula; Frankenstein; 2: Clock Tower; Deep Fear; 3: Scream, Scream II4: Friday the 13th: The Series, Freddy's Nightmares; 5: The Blobs; 6: Uzumaki; Gyo.7: Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction; 8: Urban Legend; The Faculty; 9: Shin Godzilla; Cloverfield.10: The Fly (1 and 2); 11: Jaws, Orca; 12: Cons's Birthday Bash!13: Break Day; 14: Halloweens; 15: The Exorcist, Paranormal Activity16: Slender Man, The Rake; 17: The Mummies; 18: Self-Parody19: Tales from the Crypt; 20: Tucker and Dale vs. Evil, John Dies at the End; 21: Samuel L. Jackson Special22: Alone in the Dark '08, Clock Tower 3; 23: Suspiria, The VVitch24-30: Lovecraft Parody/Catra's Ongoing Identity Crisis Countdown31: Deltarune Anniversary Climax





	1. US; FRANKENSTEIN; DRACULA

1\. US

"If only you told me not to let them in!" Akko said.

"I... did," Diana said.

"But it's muggy, and those red boiler suits look hella uncomfortable!"

"Oh, God, are they ever," Adora said, fanning herself.

"'Ey, so," Catra said, leaning over Adora, "we're the new hotness around here? So you can just sit back and let us take over."

"How 'bout instead we settle this traditionally?" Akko said, pointing at the weapons rack.

"Let's," Adora said, grabbing a 6' flamberge, Catra two katars. Diana took her customary katana, Akko her chainsaw.

It was a tie; and thus, a new tradition begins.

No "Us" spoilers in this drabble.

1a. FRANKENSTEIN

"Dear journal," Entrapta said, "today I think I've made some serious forward progress in making a wo-man, with blonde hair and a tan, who'd be good for relieving my..." She tapped her old-timey feather quill against her lips. "My..."

"Tension?" an unnamed blonde reanimated corpse said.

"Yes!" Entrapta said, "And also hello, former dead person!"

"Yeah, not gonna get called that," Former Dead Person said.

"How about I give you a name? From now on, you're Entrapta's Monster."

"How about Adora? Adora Entrapta."

Entrapta huffed. "That'll genericize the trademark and devalue the brand!"

"Screw trademarks," Adora said.

Later, Entrapta wrote, "Dear journal, I broke my favorite hatchet today..."

1b. DRACULA

"Have you noticed anything strange about Diana lately?" Suitor Andrew said.

"Like what?" American Friend Frank said.

"She's pale... like, amazingly pale. Low energy. Dresses in black. Leaves her door open. Conspicuous bite marks on her neck. Cardboard dividers propagating around her lamps. I feel like these are signs."

"What, of a vampire?!" Akko said, with a lisp. "Hah, what kinda... you're talkin' crazy, guy."

"Who are you?" Andrew said.

"And why is your mouth covered in Diana's blood?" Frank said, pointing first to the blood smeared across Akko's and then to the very bitten, very satisfied Diana in her arms.

"Shut up, though," Akko said.


	2. CLOCK TOWER; DEEP FEAR

2a. CLOCK TOWER

At lunch, a tiny shear-waving jumped out of the salad bar and menaced Diana with them.

"Oh no!" Diana said. She turned in place like she had all day to do so and set off at an exceptionally prissy run with few animation frames. The imp man followed.

"Quick, Akko!" said Akko to herself. "It's time to save the day!"

Diana barreled into a pillar and knocked her ass out cold. The shear person was closing in. Akko stuck out her foot and the assailant tripped and exploded into a cloud of blood, ruining Akko's lunch.

"Dang it," Akko said, futilely cleaning her sandwich.

2b. DEEP FEAR

Adora was trapped in an undersea research base loaded with hideous mutants, armed only with a dinky pistol. Survival was unlikely; she'd need every last resource she could scrounge. She investigated the first shelf she saw.

She found:

> Two more pistol magazines  
A shotgun with five shells  
Two first aid kits  
Ten air grenades (?)  
Chainsaw on a yo-yo string  
Two double-barreled shotguns taped together  
200 more shotgun shells  
Plasma rifle  
Nuclear reactor battery pack  
Radiation-proof bikini  
The vintage Marilyn Monroe issue of Playboy  
A potion that made her immune to hideous mutants  
The Speed Booster  
Gjallarhorn  
And a "purge all mutants instantly" button.

She pushed the button. Every enemy instantly died.

"...whatever," Adora said.

She ordered some Chinese.


	3. SCREAM; SCREAM II

3a. SCREAM

"Oh, snap!" Glimmer said. "It was you the entire time!"

Bow looked down at himself. "Was it?" He saw the knife in his hand and nearly jumped out of his boots.

"But how could he make a phone call to himself while stabbing himself?" Adora's dead body said.

"Confession," Entrapta said, turning around in her office chair, "I helped with the puppetry and stop-motion and some of the stabbing. And I made the nifty voice changer thingey!"

"And I just wanted to have some bonding time with friends of the family," Angella said, taking off her spooky mask.

A good laugh was had by all.

3b. SCREAM II

"Goodness," Sucy said, obviously reading off of a cue card. "It looks like they made a movie... about the incident last year... and then made a sequel. Could it be... that life... is imitating art?"

Constanze grunted and sipped on her Icee.

On screen, Constanze (played by a French fairy) and Brad Pitt (played by Brad Pitt) were furiously making out. Sucy, it turned out, had been written out completely in favor of a CG pistachio (voiced by Brad Pitt).

"Goddammit!" Sucy said. "I'd start poisoning people, but movie theater violence would be super tasteless, _Todd Phillips_."

Cons nodded.

"So let's just make out."

They did.


	4. FRIDAY THE 13th: THE SERIES; FREDDY'S NIGHTMARES

4a. FRIDAY THE 13th: THE SERIES

"Look out, Lotte!" Akko said.

"Oh no, it's coming here!" Lotte said, watching a haunted forklift slowly drive towards her. She walked out of the way and the forklift rumbled past her, gently hitting a box and getting stuck. "And now it's there."

"Easy win," Sucy said, uncorking a vial.

"Wait!" Akko said, emerging from her hiding place. "We gotta bring it back to our haunted bric-a-brac shop or whatever it's supposed to be!"

"Too late," Sucy said, scraping melted ghost forklift into a bucket.

"PEACE, BITCH!" Avery said, leaping in front of the camera; for you see, they were in Canada the whole time.

4b. FREDDY'S NIGHTMARES

"You've been drinking too many Hurricanes, babe," Catra said.

"You have to believe me!" Adora said, "This cruise ship is gonna dock on Fireball Island and we're all gonna explode to death! Goddammit, does anyone believe me?!"

"I believe you!" the famous burned serial killer of sleeping teenagers said, emerging from the swim-up bar with a Hurricane. "I believe you... all the way to the BANK! _Baaahahahahahahaha!_"

"Oh shit, it's Fredy Kreug--" Adora said.

"Wait, wait!" Akko said, bursting onto the sound stage. "You actually get Freddy and we just get Boring Canadian SCP Foundation?"

"'_Ey, addolcisci, donna_," Catra said, hand gesturing like a fiend.


	5. THE BLOB(s)

5a. THE BLOB (50's)

A funky guitar. A wailing saxophone.

The lights come up.

Would you believe Entrapta can wail on a sax that well? She is right now. Catra on gi-tar, plucking strings with dangerous claws. Frosta's playing the drums, her protective headphones color-matched to her outfits.

Everyone's wearing a maroon tuxedo with pink shirts and cuffs, all except Adora in a pink poodle skirt with matching cardigan and white socks. She's dancing, something modern and impressionistic, while Bow, Sea Hawk, and Scorpia, all in tuxedos, lean in on one mic and begin to sing:

"[Beware of the Blob,](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XzHDvzGmmw0)

It leaps and seeps and glides along the floor..."

5b. THE BLOB (80's)

An unspeakably vile blood-battened shoggoth ripped free from the sewers, bodies dissolving in anatomic detail in its clotted depths. Helpless humans fled in panic before its planet-eating vastness. The tide of devouring meat washed through the streets, consuming all. It stank like a burst blood bank.

"'I wanna do another good one,'" Diana said as she and Akko hid behind a snow machine. "'I'm tired of us only getting to do the worse ones.'"

"Shut up," Akko said through grit teeth.

"Do we have magic in this parody?"

Akko felt for a wand. "Nope."

"_Shit._"

"Then let's try to kill time 'til we hit one hundred--"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Let's wait out the word count" is based on an actual coping mechanism I've used in some real bad nightmares that I didn't wanna see where they went.


	6. UZUMAKI; GYO

6a. UZUMAKI

The spiral appeared in Diana's hair one day and refused to comb out, to her consternation. Day by day, wash by wash, comb by comb, the spiral spread, her hair pulling into sharply-defined ringlets. Her dreams turned dark, unwinding into visions of a dark future.

Akko, of course, recognized the symptoms and marched down to the school's lloigor cave.

She knocked on the lip of the cave. "Hey, buddy, knock it off with the short 'n curlies! Midterms are next week, dude!"

The titan vortex of entropic force issued a response.

"Yeah, we can start it again in two weeks."

The lloigor found this agreeable.

6b. GYO

"Look very carefully at the sea," Mermista said. "If you give the sea too much alone time, weird shit starts flopping out, and that's a lot of nonsense I don't feel like dealing with on my day off."

"I shall remain vigilant!" Perfuma said, saluting.

"Good."

Mermista put on her sunglasses, kicked back in her deck chair, and soaked in the rays. Soon she dozed off.

When she woke up, an army of sharks on robotic legs were farting their way into the Sea Gate, disintegrating one after the other.

"Sorry," Perfuma said, blushing. "I chased a seagull for just a minute..."

"Dammit, woman," Mermista said.


	7. BEYOND BELIEF: FACT OR FICTION

7\. BEYOND BELIEF: FACT OR FICTION

Constanze von Albrechtsberger, a small, angry German teen, sat next to Frosta, a small, perkily angry youth of ambiguous nationality, in a warehouse full of fog and searchlights.

"Now," Frosta said in her ominous GM's voice, "we will look back at the stories you've just been told in order to reveal at last which ones happened--and which ones were merely amusements written to briefly deceive you into thinking they were nonfiction."

Constanze wiggled a science fair backboard to make a noise like thunder.

* * *

THE ONE WITH THE GHOST GUY

Netossa yawned. "What were we doing again?"

"Look, new friend!" Wangari said with too much acting, "The thing you've been leading me to!" She gestured at a car with her entire body.

Netty stared at the car, her eyes bloodshot. "...what thing was it again?" she said, legitimately uncertain.

The trunk popped open, revealing a prop skeleton wearing Netossa's clothes.

"...the hell?" Netossa said when the camera moved back to her. Wangari subtly kicked the back of her knees to get her out of shot.

"Hey!" Wangari said, "where'd my new friend go?"

"Down here! Damn, man," Netossa said. Wangari made a mic-cut gesture.

The segment ends.

* * *

"So," Frosta said, "was that totally a true story, or do we..." She squinted at the cue card. "...hold the... skeleton key... to the truth... which we have purposefully withheld from you?"

Constanze shook her head firmly.

"Yeah, that one's not true. We, uh... we skele-told a little bone-white lie."

FICTION appeared on screen over a photo of Netossa and her wife Spinnerella sharing a malt, taken as a souvenier photo from The Throwback Fifties Diner and Bowling Alley.

"This next one will take you for a ride," Frosta said. "A ride on a many-legged beast we call... capitalism."

* * *

THE ONE WITH THE MANNEQUINS

Camera on Entrapta gawking at a store display window, narrating: "That new guy we hired to pose our mannequins has cursed our store into a hideous postmodern nightmare!"

A new angle: Sucy putting a dunce cap and I'M WITH STUPID shirt on the only mannequin present.

"If only something could do something about this," Entrapta said.

Sucy took a slurp from her flask as a dozen mannequins closed in behind her, arms outstretched. She noticed them when she was done drinking.

"The hell are you looking at, chum--" Sucy said.

Entrapta giggled in delight as the mannequins brutally disassembled Sucy. "Justice at last," she said.

* * *

"Holy crap," Frosta said. "How was that even remotely fair? What's your take, Chatty Cathy?"

Constanze grunted.

"I feel you. Oh, right, uh... what was that one..."

FACT appeared over a window full of purple blood.

"Seriously?" Frosta said. "Mannequins did some murder? What, were they full of hungry rats? Was it a serial killer dressed as a mannequin? Was it some kinda freaky--" Someone off camera did something that caught her attention. "...Ahem. Anyway."

Cons made a "get on with it" gesture.

"So... here's... something," Frosta said.

* * *

THE ONE WITH THE DEMONIC POSSESSED TEENAGERS

"Yo," Officer Bow said into the radio handset, "I'm seeing something but I'm pretty sure I don't believe it."

Adora and Diana were swordfighting while Akko and Catra lay sprawled across cars, implying death.

"I mean, thank God it's not a shootout," Bow said, "but really--"

Diana slashed her katana just in front of Adora, who fell, groaning a death rattle. Diana stood over her and screamed in anguish.

"Uh..." Bow cautiously approached her. "Are you alright, m'am?"

Diana's eyes blazed red and laser beams fired out, disintegrating Bow and leaving a pentagram-shaped pile of ash where he stood.

"No," she said. "I am not."

* * *

"...you gotta be shittin' me," Frosta said.

Cons chuckled.

"Okay, uh... Were those... I'm not saying that. It's not even a pun. Real or not, stage hand guy?" A sound of rustling placards. "...Mighty Ithaqua, that's 'Fact?' 'Similar events occurred...' Oh, come on!" Frosta threw up her hands. "What even the hell are you selling? That's like saying 'based on a true story.' You're not talking about--"

Constanze pointed. The guys operating the cameras were lumpy, spike-shouldered and idling in the same shuffling three-frame movement. The guy holding the placards was a disembodied floating head traced from an old DnD sourcebook's cover.

"Oh. Demons, huh?" Frosta said. "I thought you guys didn't do monsters."

"We do," Constanze said, drawing her wand.

"Let's beat some ass, buddy," Frosta said.

"_Buddy_," Constanze said, nearly in tears. At last, she was friends with someone from Masters of the Universe.

They beat a whole lot of demon ass later.

Like half a second later.


	8. URBAN LEGENDS; THE FACULTY

8a. URBAN LEGEND

"You ever hear the one about--" Bow said.

"Yes," Glimmer said, holding up a book of urban legends.

So too did Adora and Swift Wind (their co-ed fratority house mascot) hold up theirs. Entrapta gestured at a computer showing Snopes. Scorpia had a neato comic book about urban legends.

"...huh," Bow said.

"It's the nineties, man," Adora said. "Everybody is into Pokemon, SoBe Dragon, pogs, Austin Powers, and urban legends."

The landline phone went off and Adora answered it. "M'yello?"

"Can I interest you in a Mexican hairle--" the murderer said.

"Nope," Adora said, hanging up.

Everything turned out alright.

8b. THE FACULTY

"GUYS!" Akko said, kicking in Amanda's room's door.

"Thumbnail version," Amanda said.

"Body-stealing shapeshifting xenos have taken over the school faculty!" Akko said. "The only way to stop them is salt and this homemade Ritalin! And Jon Stewart's here!"

"Yep," Jon Stewart said.

"Cool," Amanda said. "Hey, quick question, if I turned out to be an alien final boss, would you be mad at me?"

"Pretty dang," Akko said.

"Well, bad news." Amanda unfolded into a giant snaky alligator squid.

Jon Stewart flung a bunch of beef jerky mositure packets at her, defeating her instantly.

"Hooray!" Akko said.

The end.


	9. SHIN GODZILLA; CLOVERFIELD

9a. SHIN GODZILLA

"More tea, Diana?" Akko said, with a massive forced smile.

"Yes, Akko," Diana said, smiling just as artificially. "Plenty of sugar, please. I'm feeling sweet."

"Oh, you're always sweet," Akko said.

The ground shivered. Deep bass sounds echoed from far away.

"Oh, dear," Akko said, "we should probably fly very far away. Should I look up the news--"

"No," Diana and Akko said simultaneously.

"It would just make us nervous," Diana said.

Akko started crying. Diana did too.

A ghastly roar sounded from the distance. But not as far as before.

You can only hide from the news so long.

9b. CLOVERFIELD

"...wow, that was heavy," Adora said.

"Was it?" Glimmer said, looking up from her anachronistic cell phone.

Bow made a middling gesture with the camera.

"We should lighten things up," Adora said.

"Wouldn't that be going against the message?" Bow said.

"Show of hands," Adora said, "who came here to do even a tiny bit of thinking? Cripes, we haven't been sober since brunch!"

No hands.

A giant monster roared its disdain not far away.

Adora drew the Sword of Protection. "Let's make this one fun. _For the honor of Grayskull, bitches!_"

Everything turned out alright, if a bit explodey.


	10. THE FLY (1 and 2)

10a. The Fly

"Hey, Easy!" Scorpia said, walking into the rumpus room, "I made ice cream by putting it in a bowl full of hot fudge and--"

Entrapta twitched into view, bulbous head concealed by a sheet. "Izzzze cream," she said, seizing the bowl and guzzling it down in seconds.

"...hey, wait a minute," Scorpia said, pulling the sheet off. Entrapta had the head of a giant fly (and a cat's eye and partial ear). "You teleported with a fly again? That's cheating!"

"Guilty asszzzz charged," Entrapta said.

"Bad Easy, bad!" She whapped Entrapta's forehead gently. "You said you were gonna cut back on teleporting!"

"Oneezzzzzzz you pop..."

10b. The Fly 2

"Oh where, oh where, could my Constanze be-e-e," Jasminka sang as she jammed on ukulele. "The pod made her part fly for me-e-e! She's kinda buggy so I got to be go-ood, so I can splice my baby 'fore she leaves this world~"

Gaelle, the other German, walked by. Jasminka whacked her in the back of he head with her uke and dragged her to Cons's lab.

* * *

"Hey, Cons is back," Amanda said.

Normal Cons gave a thumbs up.

"All thanks to Gaelle's brave sacrifice," Jasminka said.

A giant fly monster kicked in the door. "Guezzzz who!" Gaellefly said.

In synch, the Verdant Viceroys exploded her.


	11. JAWS; ORCA

11a. JAWS: THE REVENGE

Amanda yawned and stretched out in the boat, deliberately kicking Constanze in the face. "Ahhh. Life is good."

Cons grunted and pushed Amanda's foot away, returning to her Game Boy sonar to check for fish.

Unbeknownst to them, for the crime of wearing boxer shorts the day Hannah peeked up Amanda's skirt, Hannah had used black magic to conjure a shark.

What she did not do was magically compell it to attack the Verdant Viceroys, or give it the ability to survive in fresh water.

"The hell is that?" Amanda said, pointing at a belly-up fish.

"Nurse shark," Cons said.

Jasminka already had the grill started.

11b. ORCA

Mermista yawned and stretched out in the boat, deliberately kicking Sea Hawk off. "Ahh. Life is good."

"Do pardon!" Sea Hawk said, treading water. "But there is about fifty feet of space on deck--"

Some kind of panda-whale emerged from underneath, balancing on its tail so that he could jump off its snout and back onto the boat. "Why, thank you," Sea Hawk said.

"You're welcome," the whale said. "I couldn't just leave you there. It wouldn't be as sporting when I shot you."

"He's got a gun!" Sea Hawk said, for the whale did.

Mermista punched him (the whale) to death.

"Bye, bitch," Mermista said.


	12. CONSTANZE BIRTHDAY BASH!!!

Congratulations on surviving another year, Cons. Once again, we step aside to let you take control. This year, she has elected to call drabbles based on her three favorite horror movies.

Now, if you ask me, at least one of these is pushing it, but I'll allow it, 'cause it's her birthday.

TERMINATOR

Constanze flicked a lit cigar at the trail of spilled gasoline, igniting the crashed gas truck, fireworks truck, and truck full of talcum powder in an apocalyptic explosion.

"Wow!" Catra said too loudly, ears covered, "There's no way that the Terminator could survive that? Huh?"

Constanze shook her head sadly and pointed.

Through the skyscraper-sized inferno strode the 5H3-R4 model Terminator, 8' of billowing blonde hair and, courtesy of the camera, rippling abdominals. And no clothes.

Catra stared in silence, slack-jawed, as Constanze's pointing finger turned into a thumbs up.

"You're photoshopping over the nakendess, right?" She-Ra said nakedly.

Constanze nodded a lie and kept staring.

SPECIES

"Oh no!" Catra said. "Sildora has achieved her sexy biomechanical ultimate form! We have to outsexy her somehow or we'll be doomed!"

Alien hybrid lady Sildora was now sporting bitchin' biomechanical armor plates that did not conceal her nakedness or, especially, her muscular stomach.

"There's only one way to stop her," Constanze said, via a written sign.

"I know just the trick, babes!" Amanda said, stepping forward and ripping off her shirt, revealing amazing abs.

Flexing ensued. Apparently Sildora was winning.

"Tagging in!" Scorpia said, flexing off her shirt. "Let's save the world! Look, Catra, look!"

"I'm sensing a pattern," Catra said, happily.

Constanze snapped some photos.

THE SHAPE OF WATER

Mermista posed naked while Constanze rubbed her face all over her abs.

"...uh..." Catra, Cons's gay neighbor, said. "For no reason at all, I'm suddenly able to judge this objectively. Are you just using this as an excuse to stare at our hot naked bodies?"

Constanze grunted an affirmative.

"You clever bitch," Catra said. "I like your hustle. And that you didn't pick Glimmer."

"I'm hot too!" Glimmer said, teleporting in.

"Sure you are, Chubby," Catra said, sticking her tongue out.

Constanze held up a sign: "Adora is filming the shower scene now."

Catra and Glimmer instinctively shook hands. "Truce," they said.

It was the best birthday ever.


	13. JUDAS PRIEST FRIDAY THE 13th

**IT'S A JUDAS PRIEST FRIDAY THE 13TH!**

"Alright, five second warning," Bow said. "We're about to be late, so don't blame me if I see you--"

"Come in," Akko said, yawning.

Bow took one step into the room, clinging to the door.

The lighting was low. Mermista and Constanze were napping, Entrapta and Scorpia were playing on a Switch with Akko watching.

"...are we just chilling out today?" Bow said.

"Yeah," Adora said from her bunk. "Today sucked."

"Okay," Bow said. "I'll tell management." He left.

"So," Entrapta said to Diana, who was [in the form of a Switch](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14022114), "are you a Switch in canon, too?"

"Phrasing," Lotte said, but gently, from her warm cot.


	14. THE THREE HALLOWEENS

14a. HALLOWEEN

The silent, white-faced stalker brandished his knife at teen scream queen Angella, who, as her title suggested, screamed. And leveled her family's heirloom M-2 at him and squeezed the trigger, emptying 102 .50 BMG rounds into his chest in under six seconds. Understandably he was blown straight out the balcony.

Doctor Norwyn said, "That was some good shooting, miss!"

"Pardon?" Angella said, taking off her hearing protection.

"Pardon?" Norwyn said, eardrums blown out.

"Was it the boogeyman?" Angella wrote on a notepad.

Norwyn checked the balcony. Lying on the grass below was a sign reading TO BE CONTINUED...

He turned back to Angella and intoned, "Probably."

14b. HALLOWEEN

Years in the future, but not many, the masked killer escaped and did a bunch more murders and now Angella's grandbaby tricked him into a basement trap.

"Merry Christmas, Mickey," Angella said, aiming the muzzle of her M2 flamethrower downstairs.

"Dude, wait!" Glimmer said, "I'm still down here, dammit!"

"Wait," Castaspella said, "am I playing your daughter in this?" She consulted the script while the giant maniac recovered from his stun state.

Angella gestured. "Well, come on, get going!"

Glim-Glims and Casta ran out of the basement trap as Angella emptied every last drop of her overflowing tank into the dark receptacle... to explosive results.

14c. HALLOWEEN

"Phra-a-a-a-a-asing!" Lotte shrieked in terror, stumbling out of her character's hiding spot

"Dude!" Akko said from the ground nearby. "We're filming, jeez!"

"I'm sorry," Lotte said, wiping her brow. "I couldn't fight it. It was so strong."

"Yeah, that's the idea," Akko said, rolling back onto the tacky puddle of fake blood. "Alright, back to your ones, guys..."

"Sorry, Mr. Zombie," Lotte said.

Rob Zombie was busy changing from his director outfit into his The Shape outfit with a Doctor outfit underneath. He played every male character and sang the theme song on-set, you see. It's tiring work, Rob Zombeing.

Trapped in the bad one again.


	15. THE EXORCIST; PARANORMAL ACTIVITY

15a. The Exorcist

"M'yello, Vatican?" Daryl said, twirling the phone cord around her finger. "Yeah, I've got this daughter? Well, my sister's daughter, but anyway, she's all Ouiji'ed up with demons. ...yes, I can do cash up front. ... Bye, darlings."

Not long after, the Vatican Exormobile pulled up to the drive, a young priest and an old priest combat-rolling out of the car, through the door, and up the stairs into Diana's room to shave precious time off their speedrun.

Inside, Diana was playing Risk with Pazuzu, a demon well known for its chillness and drink-bringing. "Would you like to join?" Diana said.

The priests did.

15b. Paranormal Activity

"So, what'd the psychic say about your demon dude?" Catra, day trader by day, catgirl by night, did say.

Adora fiddled with a plot hook for the sequel. "He said to give Son Goku my energy so he can fight the demon. And to not even vaguely aggravate it until then."

"Huh... interesting," Catra said.

While Adora napped with her arms up, Catra whipped out a Ouija board and spelled out "Demon... bitches... ain't... shit. Come... fight... me."

That night, she woke up to see Adora looming over her.

"Hey Adora," Catra said. "You wanna throw down~?"

"YES," the demon in Adora said.

And then, the asskicking.


	16. SLENDER MAN; THE RAKE

16a. Slender Man

Bow, Adora, and Glimmer were camping in the Whispering Woods without tents or bedrolls, lying on the filthy ground in the insect-choked grass, as was their idiom.

A dense fog settled in. The sounds of animals abruptly silenced.

Adora snuffled in her sleep and turned over. She didn't hear Its approach, for It had no need to walk when unobserved.

From a distance, for a moment, It could be mistaken for a tree. It budded off what might be called an arm.

It touched Adora's sleeping face, gently stroking her cheek with one soft finger

Adora whimpered, not afraid or sad.

In silence, It left.

16b. The Rake

Croix stormed into Chariot's room, holding out a blurry Polaroid. "Who the fuck is this in the photo with you?"

"He is the Rake," Chariot said from her desk.

"Of course he's the fuckin' Rake, I've been on the internet! What are you doing with him at that crappy fifties throwback diner?!"

"It's not 'crappy,' you're just cheap," Chariot said. "Besides, we were in the library that day, remember?"

"I... no?"

Croix stepped out of the kitchen. "Hey, babe, who's... oh. Hello."

Croix looked at herself. She looked behind her, at Chariot and the Rake.

"This all means bad luck, right?" Kitchen Croix said.

"Indeed," the Rake said.


	17. THE MUMMY (remakes)

17a. The Mummy

"Is that mummy still on our trail?" Akko said from the controls of the biplane.

"Yes, she is," Diana said, throwing over a pile of dynamite behind the plane, which exploded in the depths of the sandy Croix-head special effect chasing them.

"Hell of a thing that we're apparently reincarnations of people that beat the ass of that mummy back when she was alive! Or at least _you_ are."

"Apparently," Diana said, sitting back down.

"Man," Akko said. "I bet in Egypt times you were, like, in this crazy barely-there outfit, fightin' with two weapons that--"

"We're out of words. Sorry, no flashback."

"Oh, _come on!_"

17b. The Mummy

Yes, it was a rough business, saving the world. It turns out I have Set, who is also Satan, sealed inside me, giving me superpowers sufficient enough to defeat any supernatural menace threatening this great green and blue world of ours.

Why, me? I'm John Kyle Thunderstick, the hero of this movie. In fact, I'm the main character of this entire cinematic universe now, and I aim on adding a lot of black magic notches to my belt. Also, you can go ahead and call me "Kyle." That's what all my fans--

\--the next movie is cancelled?

All the next movies are cancelled?

...oh.


	18. SELF-INDULGENT AUTHOR SPECIAL

18a. [THE SHAPE OF NO HOPE](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12164865)

_Catra_

You are Catra, daughter of Ailuros. Force Captain of the Great Horde. By your talons you have carved a place for yourself in a world that seeks to spit you out. You quested for a meaning, a stability, that your adopted mother never gave you.

You have been taken.

You may rest your weary head. Sheathe your talons; they are unneeded here.

You ache with despair. Let the tears flow. None judge you here where you have fallen.

You only wanted a life to call your own--a life with her. Under the eye of Hordak you could not show love. When she left you, stolen by forces you have no true understanding of, the foundation of your peace vanished. She is with them. The enemy.

For though you hate the Horde, hate everyone in it, hate everything that it is, it is the last constant in your life. You could no more abandon the Horde than abandon your heart, even as your heart abandoned you.

What if you could take your heart back?

What if you could bring order to this world at last?

There is a knife for you. It is shaped like [don't leave me alone].

The universe is narrowing down, one life at a time, into a perfect final shape. Bring your prey into your talons. Bring your heart back to your chest and let her feel what you have become. You are something new. Something better.

Take the knife. Cut away the idea of distance. Take your new shape.

_Angella_

It hardly needs to be said: you are Angella Lucifer Morningstar. The Adversary. The Serpent. The Prince of Lies. Lord of This World. Your name is curse and blessing. Deathless queen of a sunless world.

You have been taken.

Have you ever known rest? Have you ever been able to close your eyes and sleep and dream and not dream of the past and present and future? Have you ever been in control? Have you ever, even once, felt like you were doing the right thing?

No. You have never known peace. You have never even known yourself.

You have pretended to it. You have taken lovers, whom you have given children and whom have given children to you. You have taken sexes and genders, changing with the times, presenting male and female and things in between. You have taken worship, though you discourage it to pretend you are humble.

And it all falls away. Your lovers age and die. Your children age and die. Your identity shifts, casting one word aside for another, and nothing fits because nothing fits what you are. Your worshipers change as time eats them away, but no one matters more than the mass. You put on the guise of personhood to make yourself feel more real, like you belong, like you are meant to be here.

Now at last you are somewhere you are meant to be. Now you belong.

There is a knife for you. It is shaped like [you are empty]. Pick it up.

Carve away your desire to be someone. Cut away your crown, which fit ill upon you. Carve away these things that anchor you in time. Time passes through you. Blade and bullet, spell and shell, pass through you. The workings of the Taken King will pass through you in vast profusion, like children. You have meaning now, and your meaning is that you are meaningless.

Take the knife. Become free. Take your new shape.

13.a.1

The war between Horde and Hive was done. Oryx chewed Horde Prime thoughtfully as his children tore open the vitrines and fed on the last of his child-clones.

As the Taken King ate his bitter prize, a light shone on one of Horde Prime's consoles. A Wizard floated to it and reported: there has been a breech from one universe to another. There was a hidden world where one last severed member of the Horde persisted.

Oryx laughed; and he deligated the task of killing that planet to his son.

What fun his son would have. What pleasant distraction, the Taking of Etheria.

13.a.2

"Catra?" She-Ra said, horrified.

Catra had... darkened. Her limbs were not brighter, but differently-colored, white to pale blue to indigo. A cyclopean eye un-blazed in her forehead.

"Hey, Adora," she said, her voice slow and thick. Black oil dribbled from her mouth. "I should thank you." She flashed her claws. "The void is not empty... it is Oryx's domain, and He is kind."  
Behind her, Angella spread her wings.

"You'll be meeting Him soon. But for now... meet a few of His children."

Deep within the void of Angella, there was a sound of rushing bodies, and a numberless horde of starving dead burst free.

13b. [THE SLIME PIT AND THE SORCERESS](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16669930) (part 1)

"What is this place?!" Akko said.

"Welcome to my Slime Pit, Akko!" Croix said, gesturing to her Slime Pit, and Akko's tied-up friends next to it.

"Leave this place, Akko!" Lotte said.

"No," Sucy said. "It'll be better if you watch."

"Release them, Croix!" Akko said, posing.

"Never, Akko! They will be my slaves!" Croix said.

"Then take me instead and let them go!"

"Okay."

"...not even gonna try to fight. Okay," Sucy said. "And you stole my place in line, so that's two strikes right there."

Akko was soon coated in slime and turned evil. "Aaaargh!" said Slimed Akko.

Everybody freaked the hell out, except Sucy, who perked up.

13b. THE SLIME PIT AND THE SORCERESS (part 2)

"No one can save you now!" Croix said.

"I'd hope not," Sucy said, breathing heavily as she was placed in the Slime Pit.

"Don't be too sure, Hordak!" Akko said, appearing un-slimed thanks to a deus ex machina.

"Oh, Zhardammit!" Sucy said.

Things got sorted out.

"Good will always triuumph over evil!" Akko said.

"Couldn't you have saved me at the last second?" Sucy pouted.

"No," Akko said, "because I'd get fewer points."

A bloody, ash-stained She-Ra stomped in. "What the FUCK?" she said. "Why did you guys get to play on Easy?"

"Well, you got The Blob on easy, so it's just fair," Akko said.

A fight broke out.


	19. TALES FROM THE CRYPT MOVIES

19a. TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DEMON KNIGHT

It had been a long-ass day, but at least Wangari hitchhiked herself a car driven by a guy who didn't look like a murderer.

"So," he said, "you look pretty tired. Get up to some crazy adventures out here?"

"Yeah," Wangari said, "I killed a bunch of demon-possessed people, almost got killed a bunch in turn, inherited a magic flask full of the blood of Gorgo-Mormo." She shook the fancy flask.

"Doesn't look like it'd have a lot," the guy said.

"You think? Check this out." She uncapped the flask and flooded the entire cab with blood.

The long-ass day was not yet done.

19b. TALES FROM THE CRYPT: BORDELLO OF BLOOD

"Boy oh boy," Adora said, "I'm glad we defeated all those vampires."

"We sure did," a noticably sluttier Glimer said, cozying up to Adora.

"'Hey, Glimmer, what's that perfume you have?'"

"'That's not perfume,'" Glimmer quoted, revealing fake vampire fangs. "'It's sunblock.'" She revealed a sexy vampire bite on her inner thigh and delivered a deadly hickey to Adora's neck.

"...aren't you done playing your character?" Scorpia said from her and Catra's vantage point in the bushes outside of the shady hotel.

"Shut up," Catra said. "And be quiet. ... Maybe not too quiet. Gonna need some white noise."

"Oh? Why? ... Oh, that's why." Scorpia buzzed softly.


	20. TUCKER AND DALE VS. EVIL; JOHN DIES AT THE END

20a. TUCKER AND DALE VS. EVIL

"I pick the worst times to vacation with you, Sow," Bow said.

"Ain't gonna lie," Sow, Bow's nigh-identical country hick brother said, "I wuz havin' a good time afore you came here an' started questionin' my livin' situation."

Bow gestured whole-bodily at a bunch of dead teenagers piled like dead teenagers on the lawn, then at Sow's messy pile of teenager-killing machines and implements and traps.

"What!" Sow said. "T'ain't nothin' to do here! If I cleaned up after m'self that'd be even less to do! A man's gotta stay stimulated!"

"_I_ could stimulate you, _step_brother," Bow said, unbuckling his belt.

The porn version began.

20b. JOHN DIES AT THE END

"Has anyone seen my mysterious silver canis...ter..." Diana said, walking in on Jasminka drinking from it.

"This?" Jazzy said, holding it out to her.

"That's an alien artifact full of potentially fatal, invariably life-altering occult drugs!" Diana said.

"Oh," Jasminka said. "That may explain why it wasn't--"

Jazzy looked a little to Diana's left. Her eyes opened.

"...what do you see?" Diana said, reaching for her wand.

"Did you ever see 'Dances With Wolves?'"

"No. Is it like something from the movie?"

"Is _what_ like something from the movie?" Jasminka said.

"The thing you're seeing," Diana said, annoyed.

"Oh! Right. Sorry for the confusion. I see penis spiders."

Diana started blasting.


	21. SAMUEL L. JACKSON SPECIAL

21a. 1408

Akko flopped onto the fancy hotel bed. "Man," she said, "I'm still super sad that my daughter's super dead... it was my daughter, yeah?" She checked her wallet. "Yep. Daughter. Also, I'm thirsty."

She hopped up and headed to the minifridge, which was embedded in the wall like a safe. A tiny Samuel L. Jackson was inside.

"Give me your wisdom," she said, rationalizing that no small Sammy Jack would appear without reason.

"This room's extremely haunted, lady!" Samuel said. "I'd leave if I were you."

"I believe you," she said, and left immediately.

Tiny Samuel lit a smoke. "It's a lonesome vigil, this life."

21b. Deep Blue Sea

"Ahem!" Lonnie said, addressing the research station researchers while standing in front of a large open sea-portal covered in "WARNING: SHARK ATTACK DANGER ZONE" warning signs. "It has come to my attention that we are under attack by our genetically-modified smart sharks, or 'smarks!'"

Kyle raised his hand. "Excuse me," he said, "but 'smark' is already a word."

"You're fuckin' lyin'," Lonnie said, flipping him off.

"No, it is! It's slang for a wrestling fan who doesn't know it's real!"

Lonnie checked her phone, then threw it into the water hole. "I choose to not believe Google."

No shark attacks or Samuel L. Jackson today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried writing a parody of the short story of "1408" instead, but it kept winding up an abridgement or an outright advertisement. So... Sammy Jack!
> 
> Also, go read "1408." It's amazing.


	22. ALONE IN THE DARK '08; CLOCK TOWER 3

22a. Alone in the Dark (2008)

"This city's on all kinds of fire," Adora said, clicking the right thumbstick to blink at New York below her. "Fire that spreads in real time, at that. An evil grows in the heart of the city!" She paused, which made her open up her jacket without pausing the game, and rooted through the loops she had in lieu of pockets for the Sword of Protection, which she equipped, pushing up on the right stick to brandish it. "And I am here to stop it! 'Cause I am..."

The entire game world glitched out sideways.

"...not in a good game. Damn it!"

22b. Clock Tower 3

"GUYS!" Akko said, kicking in the door to her dorm. "I just had the best idea for a horror video game!"

"What," Sucy said, displeased.

"Okay, so you play as this cute schoolgirl chick, right?" Akko said. "And you have to run around solving ghosts and stuff! But there are these crazy super murderer bad guys called... something! They're so evil they have 1 HP per year they were sentenced for their crimes and they have a TON of HP! ... And... there's hiding! And a magic bow for killing the bosses! And _I'm_ the star."

"Sounds stupid," Sucy said.

"[Oh yeah?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2Eu2u_cSVs)" Akko said.


	23. SUSPIRIA; THE VVITCH

23a. SUSPIRIA

"Hi, guys," Akko said, striding confidently into the ritual chamber.

"Oh, fantastic," Ms. Finneran said, lifting her orgy mask. "We're very busy doing a zombie-aided god smmoning, Ms. Kagari! We don't need you klutzing things up."

"Kill me," Zombie Hannah whimpered.

"Lemme guess," Akko said. "Calin' on Mother Suspiria, Our Lady Of Whispers?"

"Why, yes," Finneran said, feeling a change in the air.

"What a coincidence...** I. AM. SHE.**"

The lighting went red and the soundtrack went HAM.

"Oh, dammit," Badcock said, "I knew I should've asked about all those blood squibs," and then she exploded.

It was nearly the tenth goriest zombie orgy in Luna Nova history.

23b. THE VVITCH

"Letteth it be known that this fair Horde is beset by all sides by ye liveliest awfulnyss," Hordacke said, "that vvitch that we hath become acquaintanced with by name."

"Heye, Hordacke," Adourrha said, "I'm juste gonna heade out? I foundeth ye sexieste awfulnyss." Forsooth, she had founde ye Cattera, flatte as yon board of irony, and forsooth not in particular fashion callypigian.

"The fuck you implyin', narrator?" Cattera said.

Adora didst elbow her kidneywise. "Dude, just speake ye olde ynglyshe like you mean it."

"People did not actually talk like this!"

"Just roll with it!"

"Can we just cut to the titty-biting bird?"

They could, and did.


	24. LOVECRAFT SPECIAL, DAY 1

27a. THE SHADOW OVER INNSMOUTH

"You'll never take me alive, fish!" Catra said, jumping out of a window and running like hell away from the army of fish people sauntering after her casually.

Eventually she threw herself through the window of an outgoing bus.

"Fare's ten cents, lady," the driver said.

Catra remembered she forgot her wallet in the now fish-dominated hotel.

A long, long walk later, she fell in the police station, gasping for breath. "Dudes," she said, "I've just been chased out of Innsmouth by fish monsters."

"Go tell somene who cares, catfish," the guy at the desk said.

"But... I'm not a catfish!" Catra said, her barbels twitching.

27b. THE COLOUR OUT OF SPACE

Akko knocked on the old well. "Hello!" she shouted at the farmhouse. "I just had me one of those pumpkins you were selling? The ones that were a color that I don't know what it's called? I get they're like an acquired taste 'cause of that ashy, nameless flavor it's got, but--"

A column of light burst free from the well and into the night sky, the same impossible color as the pumpkin. All around her what little organic life remained in the desolate farm crumbled to ash, including her pumpkin, but excluding Akko.

"Aw, dang it. I hate limited-time food promos..."


	25. THE THING ON THE DOORSTEP; PICKMAN'S MODEL

28a. THE THING ON THE DOORSTEP

Amanda made the secret knock ("La Cucaracha"). Jasminka opened the door to the dorm. "Hello, Amanda," she said. "Cupcakes?"

"Yes, please," Amanda said, rushing past her and to a wedding tower of cupcakes, cramming several in her mouth. "Oh, fuck," she said, "you know that chick I was dating?"

"The nice girl with the big eyes?"

"Bad call. Worst call of my life. Chick is crazy, and also it's actually her dad's brain in her body? Which is weird? Like, Christ, I know I ain't supposed to be throwing stones in this glass house of gender but that's weird, right?"

Jasminka shrugged noncommittally.

28b. PICKMAN'S MODEL

"...This is my pad, s'where I hang out," Catra said as she let Adora into her shitty apartment. "It's pretty cool, right? Wanna see my gallery?"

"Sure," Adora said.

"Here we are," Catra said, pointing at her paintings lying around the living room.

"I'm noticing a theme," Adora said. "Lots of hooved rat-people. Lots of eating corpses. ... Hey, Catra..."

"What?"

Adora pointed at a painting of a baby Catra with what looked like her undead rat-person parents. "Are you a rat-person changeling baby?"

"_Hell_ no."

Adora threw a cardboard tube at her.

She caught it. "Racist," she said, and retired to her shredded cardboard bed to chew tube.


	26. THE OUTSIDER; FROM BEYOND

26a. THE OUTSIDER

"Prithee," Adora said, "this party is... elegantine."

"Look, Adora," Glimmer said, pointing at a waiter. "He bears rumaki. Wouldst t'you liketh some?"

"I would _deadass_ run a man over for one piece of rumaki."

"Agreed."

They took the entire tray and sat by a window and ate all of it.

"Oh Christ this is so good--OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT?" Adora said.

Catra looked in on the party. "Hey, people," she said. "Can I, a normal cat person, join in?"

Glimmer, terrified, held out her makeup mirror.

Catra squinted. "What are you saying? I don't fit in with all these mouths and eyes?"

"Yes," Adora and Glimmer said.

  
26b. FROM BEYOND

Lotte snuck past the abandoned maid uniform and into the Secret Devil Machine room. Inside was an ominous devil machine and an audio diary.

"July 7th... the past," Annabel said on the diary. "Dabbling in science has ended well. My new infrared pineal gland stimulator will open the eyes of all. Especially my maid, Lavender."

"Huh," Lotte said. She hit the red BEGIN button.

Annabel walked in. "Sorry, there was rumaki in the last drabble. Had to get some. You listened to the end of that diary, right?"

"Of course!"

"Excellent! So the machine is off and we won't be monster-murdered."

"...hey, you like running, yeah?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have just noticed I somehow got the numbering wrong on a few.
> 
> I will not be changing them so that I can keep a monument to my dumbness.


	27. THE DUNWICH HORROR / ARTHUR JERMYN, ETC.

27a. THE DUNWICH HORROR

At last the three mighty witches had reached Sentinel Hill to confront the monster that had killed dozens and laid waste to the countryside. Badcock began by blowing a handful of magic dust at the invisible monster, revealing its horrific majesty.

"Excuse me, young sir!" Finneran said. "We didn't receive your permission slip for doing field work for Apocalyptics!"

The Whatley child said, "OH, CRAP, SORRY. I FORGOT." He excreted the permission slip, which was damp with protoplasm.

"Thank you," Finneran said, taking the slip with tongs.

Nelson shot the monster.

"DUDE! NOT COOL!" it said.

"Dammit, Nelson!" Finneran said.

"What!" Nelson said. "My finger slipped, jeez!"

27b. FACTS CONCERNING THE LATE ARTHUR JERMYN AND HIS FAMILY

Catra stepped out of the limo and punched the first guy she ran into on the way to the will reading, which she then arrived at.

"At last, your great-great grandfather's will shall be revealed," the lawyer said.

Catra nodded and lit an enormous blunt.

The lawyer clapped, and the unexplained crate in the room fell open, revealing an ancient, decrepit ape monster. "It turns out I'm your great-great grandpa! You're an ape man, little lady!"

Silently, Catra stood up, walked out of the door, got into the limo, was driven down a block, and got shitfaced at the worst bar she could find.


	28. THE FESTIVAL; THE PICTURE IN THE HOUSE

28a. THE FESTIVAL

In the lightless catacombs below Kingsport, Catra was faced with a horrifying revelation.

"Not you," she groaned.

"What!" Swiftwind said. "I barely got a mention in my one appearance thus far, and you're scheduled to ride on a winged monster of some kind. So why not me?"

"Fine," Catra said, hopping on Swiftie. His monster makeup was lacking.

One awkward canal swim later, Catra bumped into one of her venerable ancestors.

"squp" the giant worm, or maybe pile of worms, said.

"Goddammit!" Catra said. "Are you fuckin' tryin' to gaslight me? I'm a cat! A cat!" She dove into the earth and ate tons of dirt.

28b. THE PICTURE IN THE HOUSE

"Thanks for lettin' me in, woman I've never met," Akko said, shaking off rain like a dog.

"Yeah, sure," Sucy said, cracking open two beers and slamming them both at once. "Wanna look at this bitchin' coffee table book I got?"

"Sure!" Akko said, taking a seat at the sole table in the decrepit house. "What's it about? Are there dragons?!"

"Nah," Sucy said, opening the book to a big, gruesome picture. "It's called Cannibal Holocaust 2: The Unofficial Photonovelization. Only, you know, in Italian."

Akko looked at the book for three seconds before lighting it on fire.

"Woah, rude!" Sucy said.

"Sure am," Akko said.


	29. NYARLATHOTEP; THE CURSE OF YIG

29a. NYARLATHOTEP

"Come on, you'll love it," Croix said as they settled into their seats.

"Couldn't we have just rented 'Evil Bong?'" Chariot said.

"C'mon, live stage performance is a dying art form. This'll be bitchin'."

A handsome man of Egyptian heritage took the stage. "Hey, kids," he said, presenting an elaborate machine. "Wanna see a dead society?"

"Hell yeah!" Croix said, jumping out of her seat.

"I can't hear you~"

"He-e-e-ll yeah!"

"Alright, if you insist!"

The performer yanked a massive knife switch and phased the earth into an alternate dimension of raw chaotic force, ending mortal civilization and the dominion of man on Earth.

"Wooooo!" Croix said. Chariot groaned.

29b. THE CURSE OF YIG

"Once upon a time," Shadow Weaver said, "there was a nice young couple who went... ahem... 'glamping'... in the desert."

Lil' Catra and Lil' Adora sat on her knee as she read the tale.

"The father found a nest of rattlesnakes near their tent and, unwisely, killed them. These snakes were the favored of Yig Snake Daddy. Predictably, he went intensely mad in short order, and his wife died in an asylum giving birth to a grotesque half-serpent child."

Shadow Weaver closed the book. "And that hideous abomination... was you, Catra."

Catra hissed, shook her tail rattle, and bit Shadow Weaver on the boob.


	30. MEDUSA'S COIL; THE SHADOW OUT OF TIME

30a. MEDUSA'S COIL

Adora and Catradusa slumped into Applebee's, both still somewhat aflame. They sat at the bar. "Appletinis, bitch," Catradusa said, "and keep 'em comin'."

Well into their cups, Adora noticed the painting hanging on the wall. "Hey, that looks like you, kinda," she said.

"Witness," the bartender said. "That is the great grandmother of Catradusa, the undead, time-commanding not-cat."

"_I'm a cat,_" Catradusa said while her hair snakes wriggled.

"Worst of all," the bartender said, "you are..." He paused for effect. "_One quarter black._"

"...there's a possum in the cocktail fixin's," Catradusa said, and they left without paying.

Cocktail Possum hissed his displeasure at the racist bartender.

30b. THE SHADOW OUT OF TIME

Jasminka gently bapped her possum--

"Phrasing...?" Lotte said elsewhere, just in case--

\--while Constanze read and Amanda watched porn.

Suddenly she sat upright and shivered, as if someone ran an ice cube down her back. "Hello," she said, eyes open, in a voice not hers. "How are the ice caps today?"

"Could be better," Amanda said.

"Yes. And who is the American president?"

"A tiny-handed idiot," Constanze said, straining her voice.

"Yes... everything is as it should be. Carry on." Jasminka violently shivered again. "Why do I taste blood...?" Jasminka said.

"Just your imagination," the possum said in what was not Jasminka's voice.

"Okay," Jazzy said, and continued bapping.


	31. DELTARUNE

31\. DELTARUNE SPECIAL

SUSIE

Akko was alone in the hall with the famous school bully Sucy, who was standing on lifts and painted purple for the occasion.

"So," Sucy said, "wanna buy some drugs?"

"No siree, Miss Bully!" Akko said, shaking her head. "Unless it's weed, then I will buy all the weed you have and will have tomorrow."

"...dude, you're going off-script. How am I gonna pretend to bite your face off if you go with my plans?"

"Wait, we're filming?" Akko said. "I thought you were actually selling me drugs."

Sucy held up a briefcase full of weed. "I mean, that's still on the table."

EMPTY TOWN

"Welcome, heroes, to this mysterious... underground... magic... place," the cloaked figure said.

"WOAH, HOLY CRAP!" Akko said, jumping up in place. "This place just doesn't stop getting cooler! Hi, mystery cloak person!"

Mystery Cloak Person stared agog at Akko.

"That's the opposite of dialing it down!" Sucy said.

A cat bastard rode in on a flaming bicycle. "Someone say 'tone it down' and then someone else ignore that? 'Cause I'm here now, bitch!"

"Someone say they're here now?!" Akko said, ignoring her prop sword in favor of her real chainsaw and revving that shit.

"Throw down! Throw down!" chanted the production staff.

Sucy groaned. "Damn. It. All."

FIELD OF HOPES AND DREAMS

Dark Prince Glimmer beatboxed to the tune of the bitchin' overworld theme. Human Akko improvised lyrics, and yes, they're much worse than you would hope. And Monster Sucy suffered her art in silence.

Thankfully they hit the bridge.

"Wheeeeen the light is runnin' low and you got no place to go--" Akko sang.

"And the places that you know feel like fant-a-seee!" Glimmer said.

"There's a light inside your MONSTER!"

A pair of Snake Men slithered into view. Glim and Akko switched to singing over "Rude Buster."

"Here is a bunch of Snake Men that we are going--"

Sucy went in swinging. Not at the Snake Men.

CHECKER DANCE

"...So you're all here now!" Catra said, double-checking the player character party.

"Yes," Sucy said. "You will notice the rest of the party can now act."

A stagehand pulled the string on the Semi-Official Akko Pull-String Doll which was dressed like Kris. "I love you!" the Akko doll said.

A medicine ball dressed like Glimmer dressed like Ralsei rolled gently.

Catra rolled her eyes. "Kyle, you're up."

Kyle tiptoed to the end of the checker board (which they were at).

Sucy smirked. This'd be easy.

Kyle tripled in size and gained a fashionable crown. "At last..." he said. "A body fit for my boundless wrath."

"--oh," Sucy said.

DARKNESS FALLS

"Try again?" asks Constanze, but creepily.

A TOWN CALLED HOMETOWN

The attempt to drabbleize Deltarune degenerated into everybody watching Adora play Deltarune on one of Constanze's Stanbots.

"Dude!" Glimmer said. "You don't gotta grind maximum TP just for the cash every single fight!"

"Hey, you wanna steer this game, you take the controls," Adora said. She took Constanze's fistbump with pride.

"Man," Akko said, eating from a giant bag of candy, "we had an awesome time this year. And now we're friends!"

"I didn't say anything about being friends," Sucy said.

"No, but you were thinkin' it real hard!" Akko said. "I can read minds."

"She cannot," Diana said, giving her a warm hug. "But I love her anyway." They kissed.

All eyes turned towards Adora and Catra (who was on her phone, steadfastly ignoring the rest of the party, or so she claimed).

"What!" Adora said. "You saw how the last season ended! Shit's real tense, yo. You know?"

"Maybe you'd like to kiss another, closer friend instead?" Perfuma said, finally getting to show up again in spite of being my favorite and thus someone who should logically show up more often.

Catra threw her phone in the air; Scorpia leaped to catch it, the better to rack up brownie points she may one day, in her wildest dreams, trade for a smooch. And Catra intercepted Adora and possibly Perfuma or anyone else at the party and planted a big wet one right on Adora's waiting lips.

Cheering and a photo from Joanna ensued. Wangari excitedly narrated into a microphone. Hot chocolate, apple cider, and several bottles of Afri-Cola (for Constanze) ensued. A good time was had by all, and with only one tipsy chainsaw duel near the end of the night.

DON'T FORGET

...they're with you in the dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 31 days.  
Missed days: zero.  
Hot damn!


End file.
